The Movie Oracle: PROFILE: Ares

The gods are coming back?

Dionysos, god of wine: Yes, we are! Long ago the gods grew weary of man's problems and "outsourced" our duties to upstart religions. But retirement got boring and now we're turning once again to the mortal realm, and finding it a very different world. Where to begin getting in touch with this new culture? With movies, of course!

Athena, goddess of wisdom: And other things. I look out for social issues, Dio for aesthetics. Apollo goes for the intellectual, Ares for action, Hera for family values, and so on. Each god gives their unique view on today's cinema and society.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

PROFILE: Ares

GOD OF war, battle lust, courage, fast cars, monster trucks, wrecking balls, explosions, things lit on fire

LOVED The Fast and the Furious. If it screams, rocks, or kicks butt, it's mine.

HATED Babel. Fell asleep within the first five minutes.

TURN-ONS Awesome fireballs, wicked crashes, hot chicks, and guns

TURN-OFFS Foreign movies, subtitles, "artsy" films

MOVIE-MUNCHIES Jumbo popcorn and cheap beer

No, really, I am sensitive! It was tough growin' up with no father. After mom--Hera--conceived me without the help of Zeus, I had no choice but to grow up fast and hard. That's why I'm like this--gangbangin', drag racin', and bustin' heads with a heart of ice. I'm just a mama's boy. Love it or leave it, baby.

My average day? When not wrenchin' on stock car engines or gettin' busy with my girl Aphrodite, I'm boardin' down the Alps, rippin' up the Mojave Desert on a four-wheeler, or base-jumpin' off the Sears Tower. You can try to catch up to me. You can try.

My message to Hollywood? Calling a movie "R-rated" without boobies is false advertising.

Learn about the real Ares at theoi.com.