PROFILE: Dionysos

GOD OF wine, frenzy, vegetation, theater, trance music, raves, sensual massage, jello shots, designated drivers

LOVED Sideways. I could just taste all those fine California vintages.

HATED It's a Wonderful Life. Seen it waaaaaaay too many times (ever wonder how Hera drove me mad?).

TURN-ONS Luscious color, tremendous sound, inspired acting, a full sensual experience; also, cult/underground films and b-movies

TURN-OFFS Recycled humdrum Hollywood drivel, family flicks soul-suckingly cute

MOVIE-MUNCHIES goat cheese (with wine, of course!)

My childhood was pretty messed up. Zeus, my swinging dad, knocked up a mortal girl named Semele. He promised her one wish, whatever it may be. When she asked to see him revealed in all his glory, she was consumed by lightning. But dad saved me from the ashes, sewed me into his own thigh, and carried me to term. His wife Hera was so pissed that I had to be hidden away on Mt Nysa. That's where I had to spend my childhood. But as I was raised by nymphs (hot!), it wasn't so bad. Later Hera decided she was still pissed, so she drove me mad, and I wandered all over the world like a backpacker bum. Along the way I discovered vine-cultivation, and when I finally got back to Greece I introduced it to mankind. Eventually, after many more adventures, I joined the ranks of the immortals.

What do I do these days? You can find me taking in the bouquet of a fine vintage at an upscale restaurant, or flinging sweat off my brow at a late night club. You might also see me in the park snapping photos of poinsettias, or at the museum critiquing an installation of Japanese ukiyo-e prints. But above all, look for me in the screening room. This movie reviews venture was my idea. I persuaded the other gods that mortals may still have something meaningful to say. If film can't convey that, nothing can.

Learn about the real Dionysos at theoi.com.