The Movie Oracle: April 2009

The gods are coming back?

Dionysos, god of wine: Yes, we are! Long ago the gods grew weary of man's problems and "outsourced" our duties to upstart religions. But retirement got boring and now we're turning once again to the mortal realm, and finding it a very different world. Where to begin getting in touch with this new culture? With movies, of course!

Athena, goddess of wisdom: And other things. I look out for social issues, Dio for aesthetics. Apollo goes for the intellectual, Ares for action, Hera for family values, and so on. Each god gives their unique view on today's cinema and society.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Chad Vader

Dionysos, god of wine: Well, we here at The Movie Oracle have cut back on reviewing movies proper, but we're not giving up on movies altogether. Certainly not on b-movies. No way! So here is a real treat for you. Darth Vader's younger, less-talented brother is the day shift manager at Empire food market. I laughed so hard wine came out my nose. Thumbs up.

Zeus, Lord of Olympos: The mighty Zeus feels for this Lord Chad. His insolent subjects talk back to him, his attempts to impress the check-out girl fall flat... There was a day when all it took was a lightning bolt to whip mortals into submission. Alas! Poor Zeus. Er, I mean... poor Chad. Thumbs up.

Demeter, goddess of agriculture: Aww, Zeusie. Sounds like somebody needs a hug. You can fertilize my furrows with your tears anytime. As for the videos, wow... is that what the produce section looks like these days? I hadn't really paid attention since people stopped dedicating the first fruits of the harvest to me. It used to be that you could only get ripe fruits like that in season, when I wasn't pissed at my daughter Persephone for shacking up with Hades. Now you can get them all year long? Gosh, I guess I'm not needed much anymore. Now I need a hug. Thumbs up.

Three thumbs up

Chad Vader is a low-budget series of shorts published on Youtube by Blame Society. At present there are two seasons, several training videos, and Vader after the dentist. Visit and their Youtube channel for more fun.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dear Gods! #2

Dionysos, god of comedy: And now, let us present the second installment in our exclusive comic strip of mythic proportions!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where the gods have you *been*?!

Dionysos, god of wine: Hey, guys. What's up?

Athena, goddess of wisdom: Dio? Where have you been?! It's been, like, two months since our last post!

Dionysos: It has? Oh. Uh... Yeah, ha ha. I was just takin' care of... um... stuff. I just woke up actually.

Athena: Argh! (facepalm) Why did I ever choose to work with a god of intoxicants?

Dionysos: So... what did I miss?

Athena: Well, for one thing, we can't keep this up.

Ares, god of war: It turns out they have this new thing called overhead, and it's really important. I still don't quite understand.

Hermes, god of commerce: I explained it to you, like, five times! Sheesh! If you're paying more for the movies you review than you get back in advertising profits, you lose money. Gods! Didn't you have to pay an obol for anything back in the day?

Ares: Yeah, I usually just sacked cities and took what I wanted.

Athena: That's not really going to fly in this modern age. We're going to have to make some changes to The Movie Oracle.

Dionysos: What?! Man, this is goat sh*t!

Athena: But it's better, really! Look, it's like this. Instead of only movies, we can also comment on other stuff. Stuff that's a little more, well... free.

Ares: Like boobies?

Hermes: (ahem) Usually not free these days either.

Apollo, god of music: I want a column on musical composers!

Hephaestus, god of the forge: No way! Science and technology comes first!

Artemis, goddess of wilderness: Hey, don't forget recycling and the environment!

Athena: We can all have our piece. As for myself, I'd like to report more directly on current affairs and social issues. For example, did you know this month is Genocide Prevention Month?

Dionysos: Woah, hold up. Are you guys trying to crowd me out? I started this site! This is my thing, remember? I'm gonna sulk now. ... Okay, I'm done sulking. Can I still review movies?

Hermes: Of course. Just keep your receipts. And don't use any credit cards.

Dionysos: This is gonna rock. I'm gonna make an encyclopedia of dead rock star idols. Right after I finish my game of Halo on Xbox...