The Movie Oracle: Where the gods have you *been*?!

The gods are coming back?

Dionysos, god of wine: Yes, we are! Long ago the gods grew weary of man's problems and "outsourced" our duties to upstart religions. But retirement got boring and now we're turning once again to the mortal realm, and finding it a very different world. Where to begin getting in touch with this new culture? With movies, of course!

Athena, goddess of wisdom: And other things. I look out for social issues, Dio for aesthetics. Apollo goes for the intellectual, Ares for action, Hera for family values, and so on. Each god gives their unique view on today's cinema and society.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where the gods have you been?!

Dionysos, god of wine: Hey, guys. What's up?

Athena, goddess of wisdom: Dio? Where have you been?! It's been, like, two months since our last post!

Dionysos: It has? Oh. Uh... Yeah, ha ha. I was just takin' care of... um... stuff. I just woke up actually.

Athena: Argh! (facepalm) Why did I ever choose to work with a god of intoxicants?

Dionysos: So... what did I miss?

Athena: Well, for one thing, we can't keep this up.

Ares, god of war: It turns out they have this new thing called overhead, and it's really important. I still don't quite understand.

Hermes, god of commerce: I explained it to you, like, five times! Sheesh! If you're paying more for the movies you review than you get back in advertising profits, you lose money. Gods! Didn't you have to pay an obol for anything back in the day?

Ares: Yeah, I usually just sacked cities and took what I wanted.

Athena: That's not really going to fly in this modern age. We're going to have to make some changes to The Movie Oracle.

Dionysos: What?! Man, this is goat sh*t!

Athena: But it's better, really! Look, it's like this. Instead of only movies, we can also comment on other stuff. Stuff that's a little more, well... free.

Ares: Like boobies?

Hermes: (ahem) Usually not free these days either.

Apo ll o, god of music: I want a column on musical composers!

Hephaestus, god of the forge: No way! Science and technology comes first!

Artemis, goddess of wilderness: Hey, don't forget recycling and the environment!

Athena: We can all have our piece. As for myself, I'd like to report more directly on current affairs and social issues. For example, did you know this month is Genocide Prevention Month?

Dionysos: Woah, hold up. Are you guys trying to crowd me out? I started this site! This is my thing, remember? I'm gonna sulk now. ... Okay, I'm done sulking. Can I still review movies?

Hermes: Of course. Just keep your receipts. And don't use any credit cards.

Dionysos: This is gonna rock. I'm gonna make an encyclopedia of dead rock star idols. Right after I finish my game of Halo on Xbox...